July 31, 2009

Ode to Anthony

A roach, which you
fear, crawls across our kitchen floor.
You squash it out of
fear and leave it there
for me to find. My
fear is that its eggs
yield more roaches, and your
fear will persist.

Remember all those times,
dude? Like when I first stopped by
to see the house.
"Dude," you said, "I could have this place
rented by noon. I need $450 now,
dude." So I moved in.
Right away, you told me,
"dude, the government is banging us
over the head. Seriously,
dude, you know what happened on 9/11?
Riiight...Riiiiiight..."
Dude, remember how we watched youtube
videos bemoaning abortion and that
dude on the blue ticket, Obama?
You said:
"Dude, there's not even going to be
an election this year." Then:
"Dude, Someone will kill Obama
between now and Inaguration."
Dude, you are such a great predictor.
Tell me, what happens next?

You find the sink full of dirty dishes
pathetic. Granted, most are yours.
Granted, mine are there from a
pathetic meal of eggs and peas
I ate last night. Isn't it
pathetic that I've not washed mine
for 24 hours. Meanwhile your
pathetic face sits before your Mac
playing online hold 'em and your
pathetic-looking bowl of melted
chocolate draws the roaches. Now
Pathetic Brian, our 3rd housemate,
has began washing your dishes with a
pathetic, stained sponge I bought
a few weeks ago. You think it's
pathetic I don't wash mine,
though I do. I think it's
pathetic you don't wash yours.
You never do.
Pathetic.

Sorry...I was wrong...
As God is your witness
You did wash dishes twice, and
As God is your witness
you did not dry them, and
As God is your witness
You never sweep the floors, and
As God is your witness
You never take out trash, and
As God is your witness
You never clean the toilet, and
As God is your witness
You leave jizz-tissues in it, and
God is your witness.

I am the Lord your God
Thou shall not make yourself an idol
"Dude, I work hard - I made $384,000 last year."
Thou shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God
"God! This kitchen is a disaster."
Thou shall not murder
"You're lucky I'm not smashing your face in."
Thou shall not commit adultery
"I've had sex with, like 1,000 chicks, dude"
Thou shall not steal
"Yeah I took it. And all your PayDays too."
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
"That's Jared's room. He's kind of messy."
Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife
"Your girl, dude, she's..."
"Thou shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor."
"Riiight.....Riiiiiiiight...."

O Anthony, remember these parting words:
Adios, Mother Fucker.