March 25, 2009

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. Have you ever been so excited about something you can hardly contain yourself? I have a couple times too.



(disclaimer: what follows is unrelated to writing above)
Get this, Beirne told us a great story tonight about the time his parents went out of town on vacation and he was was home getting ready for the fall semester at Ole Miss. Before they left, his parents gave him money for food and gas and $50 extra to have their miserable, old, blind dog put down. He had to do it on the hush because no one wanted his younger siblings to find out.

So being Beirne, he quickly spent the 50 bucks on beer and then thought, oh no what am I going to do with old Benji? First he tried to kill the beast by startling it into a heart attack. When that didn't work Beirne took the the dog out on the water and threw him overboard. The dog gave a pathetic attempt at a paddle and Beirne thought what the Hell and pulled him back on the boat. Next he set Benji down on the road and got behind the wheel of his pickup, but he just couldn't find it in him to hit the gas. Finally Beirne said, aw let's just get it over with. He grabbed the shotgun and some shells and he and old Benji went out to the woods. Of course this whole time Benji was in such a pathetic state he didn't realize his life was teetering on the brink.

When Beirne started to shove the shells in the gun he fell to pieces. He fumbled around trying to get it loaded and then in a fit of rage he nearly used the butt to do Benji in. But by that point Benji had become immortal to Beirne. No way he could do God's work now.

That's when he finally took the dog to the vet to be put down. That'll be $125 in disposal fees, sir. "No way!" said Beirne, "I'll bury him myself." So he took old dead Benji back out to his car in a black bag as everyone else in the vet's office gawked. He put Benji in the trunk and drove on to college. After 4 or 5 days of college excitement he came back out to his car and realized what he'd left there. Oh no! So Beirne threw the rotting remains out in a ditch and that was the end of Benji.